I promised myself that I would try not to shed a tear of sadness today, after all I should be happy that we’ve got through a year, when once, I was struggling to see how we’d get through one day. But as delighted as I am that you’re growing into a healthy boy with your own cheeky personality, I also wish I could stop time, just for a while, to keep you as a baby baby, a little longer.
When I woke up this morning with limited energy to function, an aching body, unable to keep anything down, due to the onset of a stomach bug, it brought all the post-birth feelings rushing back to me.
The labour, the extended hospital stay for your sepsis, the coming home to an empty house. I never thought something so natural could be so terrifying, so isolating, so overwhelming but most of all, I didn’t realise I had so much love to give.
I remember holding you for the first time, I looked at you with tears rolling down my face. To this day, I can’t describe that feeling; joy, relief, fear? No, I can not pinpoint it.
Sometimes I struggle to look at your newborn photos, it takes me back to a place that I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through. I know, a lot of it was uncontrollable by me, but I still worry; did I hold you enough? kiss you enough? smile at you enough? Most of all did I make you feel loved enough? At times the guilt is burdensome but I tell myself, I did and I am doing, the best I can. I hope you can see that too, my little cherub.
From the moment you get up to the moment you sleep, it’s non stop for me. I know some days I get frustrated with this, because you don’t sleep when you should or wake when you should, but none of it is your fault and I also know that these moments won’t last forever. One day you won’t need me the way you need me now and all I’ll have left are these special memories, albeit sleepless.
I hope to write to you as often as I can, so one day you can understand our journey and know that despite everything, you are the highlight of my life. I love watching you hit your milestones, the funny things you learn & then keep practicing, your fake laugh, cheeky expressions, I soak it all up, every little bit, fully conscious that you’re my first and most likely my last child. 💚
I love you to the moon and back my little star, now and forever.